I feel like the last 10 years have been spiraling out of control – first spiritually and then emotionally. There are many reasons, but this blog isn’t about dwelling in the past – only the future. However, in order to write about the future, I need to lay some ground work by giving a brief synopsis of the events that took place so that you may understand where I am at spiritually and emotionally today.
Since 2001, I have been fortunate to experience a lot that I now realize that I took for granted. Hind sight really is 20/20! These experiences are some that most people would give anything to experience. I have travelled extensively throughout the United States and a few other parts of the world. I have enjoyed visiting more than half of the red, white, and blue; Mexico, Canada, and the Bahamas. The greatest of these experiences was a mission’s trip that I took to Sydney, Australia right after college. I had close to a six figure salary. I had owned two homes – a ranch style home in Winston-Salem, NC that I sold in 2005 and a three story town house in Charlotte, NC. All of this before I was 30! I had everything I wanted - I didn’t want or need anything. I had it all.
Did you notice that I said had? Yes, had. Nothing comes with out a price!
Over the last 10 years, my spiritual life collided with my personal life. I didn’t know how to be who I am now and always have been, who God made me to be, and who everyone expected me to be. It seems the more money I made; the more I cared about material things than having the relationship with my Maker. I thought that if I gave cash or material things to family, friends, and different charities that were enough for me to make up for what I was giving up. Yes, I admit now that I was trying to “keep up with the Joneses” as they say, even if I didn’t realize it then. I didn’t grow up living that lifestyle. As much as I wished that I were born into a rich family, my family was far from it. My mother and father did everything that they could to give me the things that I wanted and desired, but wasn’t financially able to afford most things because they had four other kids to think about – three brothers and a sister.
It was during my time at Erskine College that I truly realized what it meant to be Christian and to have a relationship with my one true Father. My best friend, Art, mentored me and showed me how to have that relationship after saving me from making the biggest mistake of my life. For that I will be eternally grateful. Looking back now, I realize that I was the happiest I have ever been during my time at Erskine College. I was surrounded by great friends who loved me and we all shared the greatest love of all – our love for our God. Little did I know what was stirring on God’s agenda when I started Erskine and how that would affect me over the next 10-15 years.
The pot started stirring enough to where it became noticeable to me the last semester of my senior year and especially while I was in Sydney, Australia. It was when I was in grad school at Clemson that I realized that my spiritual life was in full force to collide with my personal life and there was no changing it. I was attending a church in Anderson, SC. I had encountered something that I took to the Pastor of that Church one Sunday after church. The Pastor didn’t have time for me that day to talk with me about what happened, but he promised to call me during the week to set up a time to discuss. Much to my surprise the Pastor never called and the following three Sundays he avoided me like the plague. When we would make eye contact he would look or walk the other way. I lost faith in the church at this point and I stopped attending regularly. I think I can count on both hands the number of times I have attended a Sunday service since then.
The further I was getting away from God and living the life I thought he had planned for me, the more things started occurring that put my emotional state in jeopardy. In May 2004, I lost who I thought was the love of my life and my father via a tragic death and divorce. The woman I in love with at the time was killed in a tragic car accident. A few weekends later while visiting my parents for my birthday, my father decides to walk out on my mom and the family, but wanted to wait until I was home as he stated, “you are the only one to keep your mother together.” These two events caused the domino effect to begin occurring in my life. I began blaming God for everything, started taking things way to personal that ended up alienating lots of my friends and family, started finding myself in situations I never thought I would ever dreamed that I’d be in, and turning into this monster that I didn’t even recognize myself. Life started changing for me in a not so good way. The most significant of these changes occurred the last 2.5 years and are as follows: the loss of my job, the death of my aunt who was like a mother to me from cancer, the death of a dear friend from a drug overdose, the death of my cousin from cystic fibrosis who was my hero, my life was attempted via a break-in, assaulted, had friends steal from me, family and friends judged me on actions they themselves were guilty of, lost my townhouse, lost my BFGFF for reason’s unknown, etc… I have spent the majority of the last 6-7 years depressed because I let people control the way I feel.
In May, I finally hit rock bottom. There were two options. The option I chose was to stand up and fight. Something told me to keep holding on. To take back control of my life and stop letting people control the way I feel. That it won’t be long before things change. With the help of my friend Karen, I developed a three month plan. This three month plan is built on the foundation of CSD (Courage, Strength, and Determination). I am two months into this plan and realizing that I am starting to become that person I used to be, the happy person that all my friends loved and wanted to be around. I am re-building that relationship with my Father again. I am re-building my life based on what I want and what God wants, not what someone expects of me. As such,
[GOAL #1]
I think I'll go to Richmond...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start this one over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of Carolina, I'm tired of the drama,
I think I'll get married and finally live my life...
I think that I'm just tired;
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear its people are friendly; no drama would be nice,
Richmond... where no one knows my name...
[GOAL #2] Find the job that will allow me to be myself from a professional, emotional, physical, and most of all spiritual perspective. I want the job where I do not have to work so many hours that I loose again who God created me to be.
[GOAL #3] Re-build that relationship with God that became broken and non-existent. The biggest part of this goal is to begin attending church services again.
The other day I was listening to an old CD that I purchased while at Erskine. It was a group called Soul Support. They are an acapella group that visited Erskine for convocation one Tuesday or Thursday. The song, “He Waited There,” sums up my spiritual journey. The words are as follows:
“The things that I thought I needed were not the things that He wanted to see. He waited there for me. He waited there for me to come to fully rest upon His love and to draw Him close to me.”
I am a fighter. I am drawing my strength from the Lord and my determination for a better life. This is what is going to get me through.
I need to recognize the following individuals who didn’t give up on me when I was at my lowest point and still loved and prayed for me no matter what:
- God
- My mother, brothers, and sister-n-laws
- Sissy
- Sissy
- Art
- Karen
- Jennifer
- Kristy
- Angie
- Misti
- Patricia
- Misti
- Patricia
Most of all, I need to thanks Iris, Pam, and Ryan (RJY) for inspiring me to do this blog. I know that there are other’s who I should recognize as well, but if it weren’t for these individuals I wouldn’t be here today.
I love you all!
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